The Couch Conclave - Part II - I am my Therapist And I am my Client

(Long Post Alert)

After the preliminary greetings have been exchanged…

Therapist: So what brings you here today?

Client: I am feeling restless, anxious, overwhelmed and most of all am not able to be present to what I am actually doing.

Therapist: So what you are looking as an outcome of this conversation is….?(Silence, gives space to the client to fill in the gaps)

Client: (Thinking), To be calmer, mindful and less anxious, focused on the tasks at hand, I guess…

Therapist: That seems to be quite a struggle between the state you would want to be in and where you currently are.

Client: Yes, It is a struggle…

Therapist: Are you aware of why it is so?

Client: I think on the peripheral I may know what the trigger is but I infer that there is a deeper issue at hand that needs to be addressed.

Therapist: Let’s take it step by step, tell me what you know.

Client: Well, (a deep sigh) There is lot happening in my life, many opportunities that have presented themselves. I feel unsure of my ability of being able to handle them in the best possible way. I feel a kind of a heavy pressure to perform. Also if I spend time preparing and planning for these, I feel guilty of not being there for my son. I want to do justice to each and every task I take on, each and every role that I play in my life, and even thinking of a possibility that I may not do the best that I can, I feel a sort of a hole in the chest. A vacuum which sucks away my happiness.

Therapist: It looks like it is really important for you to do your best in everything you take on.

Client: Absolutely! What’s the use of taking on something when you can’t ensure you give it your best?

Therapist: And what is the outcome, the result of pushing yourself to strive towards ensuring the very best without compromise?

Client: (Thinking) Perhaps, that’s the a way to build a life extraordinaire…

Therapist: Even if its at the cost of pushing oneself to the breaking point?

Client: Well, as they say, there is no gain without pain…

Therapist: So what you are looking for is a magic wand, which allows you to be the best at all times, in all the tasks and roles you play without exception.

Client: I hear you saying that it is an irrational expectation? (Client has an understanding of the rational and irrational beliefs and cognitive distortions)

Therapist: Is it?

Client: Hmmm, (Rationalising) Well that’s how one pushes through the weeds of laziness, complacency and mediocrity. We need to be hard on ourselves, demanding nothing but the best. And so this expectation helps us strive towards becoming better.

Therapist: So what I hear you saying is, “we should be able to guarantee the best possible performance in all the tasks and all the roles taken on 100% of the times?

Client: I would want that…And I am willing to push for that.

Therapist: I understand that we want that, however, is it possible all the times even if you were to push yourself?

Client: Well, there may be times when things do not work out the way I want, because I am human. Also many a times there are external situations that may not be in my control…

Therapist: Exactly. you said it, there are things we can control and influence and then there are things which may be our concern, but at that moment we can’t control. Also being human, we need to give ourselves some space to make mistakes. That does not mean we become less earnest in our efforts, rather it means we let go of the pressure.

Client: I see what you mean, but I feel something in me that pushes me towards this expectation…

Therapist: OK, let me ask you what would happen if, because of whatever reasons, you were not able to do the best that you wanted to in any of these tasks/roles at hand?

Client: I think I know what you want me to say, It would not be the end of the world. But it would definitely leave me wanting more from myself. It would also put a big question on if the opportunities will come by again. I don't think I am being unrealistically demanding on myself. But when opportunities happen, one must do justice, one should be able give it their best.

Therapist: Despite the words that you speak, I think the impact that such an event may have on you is much more likely to disrupt your sense of wellbeing. I also think you are Demanding yourself to perform the best at all times without compromise.

Client: You think any of the greats, like Michael Phelps, Roger Federer…would have become great had they stopped themselves at mediocrity. So I feel one needs to set challenging expectations. Push oneself to make sure that the results we desire for are out of the ordinary.

Therapist: Before we work on going deeper into what fuels these expectations, could you share how you feel when your mind puts an expectation of being the best at all times, without compromise?

Client: Well, (Sighs) There is a pressure, anxiety to ensure the best at all times in all situations…But then how would you operate, don't you push yourself towards excellence?

Therapist: Before I take that question, I sense that you are trying to rationalise your expectations by bracketing them as a way to reach excellence. Could you share how this pressure impacts your performance?

Client: There are times, when it puts me to focus on the task to completion. And then there are times when I feel overwhelmed to the extent of feeling these invisible chains pulling me back and coming in the way of me being focused on the task at hand. Now I am curious how do you operate?

Therapist: Our goal here is to focus on the task at hand with utmost sincerity, and excellence, then excellence becomes a byproduct. The results take care of themselves. I would focus on what I can control and influence, rather than what my concerns might be. To elaborate, I may be concerned about my performance, the results, the repercussions of the results, however, if I focus too much on that, I may loose my focus on the task at hand. So I would steer my mind back to what I could control and influence.

Client: And that way you actually give it your best. But isn't that difficult when the mind is clouded with so many thoughts.

Therapist: Could you share some of these thoughts?

Client: Well, for one, I don't want to make a fool of myself, I want the people, involved in those situations, to be happy, I must not any mistakes. I should to do justice to whatever I have taken up…

Therapist: What do you currently do with the influx of these thoughts?

Client: Nothing much, I go from one to the other. At times I try to push them away, but that does not work, and I end up feeling even more, anxious…

Therapist: Yes, those are quite a few thoughts, And you do realise that dwelling on them or fighting them doesn’t really help.

Client: Yes, actually I see the connect between all these thoughts and my anxiety…

Therapist: Bravo! So you understand that the emotional consequences you are experiencing are resulting from and influenced by your thought processes and beliefs.

Client: Yes, I can see that in action.

Therapist: I have realised that during those times when the anxiety is getting the better of you, one of the things that can help, is to focus on our breathing. As it brings us back to the present. Would you like to explore that as a tool to relax yourself and be mindful of the present?

Client: Sure.

(The therapist takes the client through the process of mindful breathing. Observation and building awareness of inhale and exhale and then slowly transitioning towards making the breathing long and subtle)

Therapist: How do you feel after trying this?

Client: This sure is relaxing.

Therapist: As another tool we can also focus on the sensations we feel in our body in minute detail when experiencing anxiety. You could even put those observations in your log book. (Involves the client to understand how this can be done)

Client: Hmm, I understand the process, but what if that amplifies my anxiety?

Therapist: So as you attempt this exercise, and you are faced with a, “what if?” scenario instilling fear about what happens, ask yourself, “What is the worst that could happen?”

Client: Well, it might not reap the results that we were hoping it would.

Therapist: And what if that happens?

Client: I may not be able to handle the existing anxiety, and perhaps it would have magnified.

Therapist: What if that happens?

Client: hmmm, well then I would stop to focus on the sensations as that did not work for me.

Therapist: What if that happens?

Client: Well, I would be where I started…

Therapist: Or would you be?

Client: (Reflecting) Not exactly where I started, I now have insight into what doesn’t work for me.

Therapist: Is that valuable feedback?

Client: It sure is…

Therapist: And now lets see, what if it actually worked?

Client: That would be great, as I would have learnt a new way to handle my anxiety.

Therapist: Exactly, so may I ask is it worth a try?

Client: When you put it like this, it sure is. Because even if it doesn't work the result wont be disastrous, and if it does then there is much to gain.

Therapist: And we realise that with every attempt that doesn't work or works, we have feedback for the next trial to make it better. Now having said that, most people having tried this, report that the feelings of anxiety reduce considerably or even vanish.

Client: I want to give it a try…

Therapist: That is all I ask, (smiling)

Therapist: Now let us go a step further into the beliefs that fuel the expectations that you have build for yourself.

Client: Yes, you mentioned that I am demanding too much from myself with these expectations.

Therapist: Do you feel that?

Client: I do feel the pressure at times…

Therapist: Ok, could you share what pictures or images come into your mind when you are dwelling on the possibility of not being able to do your best in any of the opportunities that you have currently?

Client: A failure, struggling…not wanting to loose those opportunities. I don't want people to think less of me…I see myself nervous and anxious, I see people not taking me seriously…

Therapist: Can you share any sensation you feel when you imagine this?

Client: Its like a hole, a vacuum, I feel loss of strength in my legs…I feel parched, my hearts racing…

Therapist: Lets centre ourselves back to the present, Do you need some water? (Gives time to orient to back to the present)

Client: Yes (Gulping a glass of water, and regaining composure)

Therapist: So even the thought that you are not able perform to the best in a particular situation, has such a significant impact on you.

Client: It sure does.

Therapist: So do you think you are demanding too much from yourself with these pressing expectations.

Client: It does feel like that… now. I know the expectation can’t be fulfilled 100% of the times, as you said before. But… let me ask you, supposing you were given an opportunity to make a big positive difference as a Psychologist, through this prestigious platform, through your training/counselling sessions and unfortunately despite the best of intentions you don’t to make the desired impact. How would you feel? Won’t you feel like a failure?

Therapist: Well, I would certainly be disappointed but not devastated. Also I truly believe that there is only feedback and no failure, we saw that earlier. So even though I many not have achieved the desired outcome from that particular event, that doesn’t mean in totality I become a failure. It is a specific event. I still would be, ‘Whole’ plus I will have feedback to work on towards growth.

Client: That’s easier said then done…Words are easy but actions difficult…Wouldn’t your self worth take a hit? And doesn’t achievement have a big part to play in building self worth?

Therapist: What I am saying is, when we base our self worth on achievements, we are orienting our lives to be pressure filled, as we are constantly operating from the belief that we are incomplete the way we are and we need something at the outside, like these achievements to fill us up.

Client: But thats how we are brought up, our education system, appraisals, society celebrates achievement, doesn't it?

Therapist: To a great extent yes, And there is nothing wrong in celebrating achievement per se. But as conscious beings we have a choice about how much of an impact we want all this to have on us. I think achievements are an important part of our life, but our lives are much more than just a list of awards and achievements.

Client: How can we delineate achievements from becoming such a vital aspect of our self worth?

Therapist: Well, let’s first understand, however, much we may have achieved, there will always be more to be done. Now if that inspires us to reach our pure potential it is great. However, if it leaves in us a constant state of restlessness and discontent, then we need to question it. When we base our self worth on achievements, we are operating from a belief that we are not whole as we are and we need these achievements to make us whole. And then we are trying to fill an abyss, one after the other by achievements. And as we know there is no end to that.

Client: But then that’s what life is, to set out for one achievement then the other?

Therapist: We most definitely may set out for these achievements, it’s the deeper aspect of it that matters. Which is how do we feel chasing an elusive idea of achievement based self worth? When we try to fill the ‘hole’ in our self worth, with achievements then more often than not we find ourselves operating from a state of discontent, anxiety, pressure. However, if we believe ourselves to be whole to start with, we accomplish a lot more through a state of being joyful, content and focussed. In fact we may even achieve a lot more through this state. So I want you to think about the possibility of unconditional self acceptance. Of course we have our flaws as much as we have our strengths, they are part of us. Our flaws and mistakes don't to make us any less worthy as individuals.

Client: So it’s not the achievements that are the problem but the way we perceive them to be the reason for our self worth that is…

Therapist: Exactly, that’s very perceptive of you. Well, let me make it simpler by breaking it down further. And point us towards the direction of a critical aspect of our life. Who am “I”? And I am not asking this question from a deeper philosophical standpoint. Am “I” just a list of achievements, am I just a psychologist or a trainer or a singer, a wife, a mother, a daughter…so on. I believe I am all of this and much more. Now is my worth dependant on the number of papers I publish, the songs I sing, the sessions I conduct, the awards I win, the money I make or my ‘performance’, in a specific role …If tomorrow, the list of my so called professional achievements were to come to a halt, would I cease to exist? Would I not still be loved for who I am by loved ones. What I am saying is, if I don't end up with an excellent performance as a Psychologist or in a specific in a specific situation, despite having worked sincerely, I may feel disappointed. However my inner sense of “I”, can still remain intact. It need not be threatened in any which way. Because Psychology is a part of me, but not totally me. ‘I’, am not just a psychologist, though I practice psychology. Just like the achievements, the roles I play, the tasks I take on, are a part of me, but not totally me.

Client: So what you are saying is all these aspects are just parts of the Self, and many smaller parts, make up a bigger Self?

Therapist: Yes, absolutely. You live close to the sea, right? Let me give you an analogy, the sea is the sea because of the presence of innumerable drops in it. However, if you were to remove a few drops, perhaps even a jug full of those drops, the sea would still be the sea. Similarly,

Client: (Finishes the statement) I would still be me even if one aspect of my life was not the way I may have wanted. Yes, I get it, But would you not feel like having made a fool of yourself, perhaps you may even lose some future opportunities and some potential clients, or even some friends depending on what context you may be in?

Therapist: I may loose some opportunities, clients, even friends but again I might gain others. According to you the core of existence seems to be your performing well without compromise, in these tasks, and roles. Your self worth, your relationships, your future, all of this depends on that. And that is understandably a big reason for your anxiety and restlessness.

Client: It feels like I am putting to much at stake even when there isn’t. You think that is the problem?

Therapist: I certainly feel that is a big part of the problem. The good news is we can choose to not put our entire being on the line. My lives worth is not determined by just what I do in a training or counselling or any other event. To be professionally and personally full-filled there is a lot more that just one aspect of my life coming under the scanner. My husband, parents, son, friends see me as much more than just a psychologist, singer, yoga teacher…For them I am much more that what I achieve professionally. These are things that I do, they are vehicles for me to be able to reach a goal of reaching ones potentiality. And so there are many facets, aspects which join together and make a whole person.

Client: Hmmm, (Absorbing the message) How can I do this in action?

Therapist: Do you have any ideas?

Client: (Thinking). Thinking of all these opportunities, and instead of building pressure on myself, by equating what I achieve in the performance with my self worth, I need to focus on, “this is just a small aspect of me, a small part of me, a small part amidst the many others…”

Therapist: Can you now picture yourself not being able to do your best in one of the opportunities and irrespective of that, still feeling “Whole”, still feeling respected and loved and appreciated…

Client: Yes, I can now

Therapist: And how do you feel, when you picture this?

Client: It is definitely a big burden off the shoulder. Because I stand reassured within myself, believing that I am no lesser of a human being, even if the event may not have turned out the way I may have envisioned. So the stakes just got lighter.

Therapist: Now, would this reassured state, allow you to be more calmer? more mindful of the actual task at hand?

Client: Yes, absolutely, the pressure was just lifted…And now I can focus on the task.

Therapist: Does that make you complacent in any way?

Client: No, not at all, It in fact allows me to be my best :) as I am more accepting, kinder and loving of myself..

Therapist: So basically we just saw that the beliefs we have influence our behaviour and the emotional consequences we go through. And so it is important to introspect and reflect on them to check about how rational, how empowering they are.

Client: Yes, I realise that this internal self talk about so many of these issues was priming me towards a certain behaviour pattern, a certain emotional response.

Therapist: Now you also have some other tools you can work with, like focusing on what you can control and influence, becoming aware of the breath, observing the sensations which can help in the process.

Client: I sure do feel relieved…

Therapist: Any concerns, or obstacles you foresee in being able to work on some of the things we spoke about?

Client: Well, not really, but then again even if there are any, I will take that as feedback to work for the next time.

Therapist: For today this is great progress. Let us absorb this and get back again later :)

---

This is an excerpt that has been modified to include the main contents of the dialogue. It is a modified version, which clubs together a couple of sessions and highlights some of the exchanges that happen during the course of these meetings.

I have taken the liberty of gluing together some other issues that I have been presented with in my life and in the course of my experience as a counsellor. Expanding the benefit to individuals who may be struggling with the likes of issues like this as well for us to have a glimpse of how a conversation with a therapist, can be helpful.

We are well aware of the underlying taboo attached with mental health issues and seeking psychological counselling, especially in our culture. Through this the attempt is also to clearly present the fact that we all at some time or the other go through situations where we struggle, where we may be confused, anxious or stressed. And in those times, there is nothing wrong to admit that we need help. And its certainly wise to seek that help from both personal and professional quarters.

Let us be loving, kind and compassionate to ourselves first and that will surely flow into all our interactions. This pressure we sometimes end up building for ourselves, in favour of pursuing the so called,”extraordinary”, in turn leaves us bereft of the contentment of just being able to even enjoy the ordinary. So let us reclaim our freedom to make mistakes, to fall down and to enjoy that as part of the process as well.

---